Kitty's School of Hard Shopping
by Descendent
Summary: Kitty trains the other girls in the way of Shopping. Chapter three is up. And I bet you all thought I forgot about this one.
1. Here comes the pain

Kitty Prydes School of Hard Shopping  
  
Hi all. This is just something that pooped into my head while writing Winter Fun. I got to wondering what would happen if Kitty decided to open up a school where she teaches others how to do some hardcore shopping. The following insanity is the result.  
  
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Bayville, Xavier's Institute  
  
"I can't believe we didn't get any of the sales…" Tabitha muttered as she Amara, Jubilee, Rahne, and Amanda walked into the mansion all haggard and spent. "We spent four hours there…"  
  
"I just want to know one thing. How does Kitty do it?" Rahne asked. "She always gets the best items when they're on sale. And she never gets tired…"  
  
"I've seen that girl go four days without food or drink during the great Gap sale of '01," Tabitha stated.  
  
"She's a legend of our times when it come to the mall." Rahne said.  
  
"I heard that they named a seat in the credit department after her…" Amanda stated.  
  
"That would explain why the professor always cries when the credit card bills come in." Jubilee said as she rubbed her sore feet.  
  
"Maybe we should ask her how she does it." Amara said.  
  
"That's a great idea!" Amanda shouted as the girls ran up to Kitty's room.  
  
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"This was a bad idea…" Amanda muttered to herself.  
  
"Listen up you Maggots!" Kitty shouted as she marched back and forth in from of Amara, Tabitha, Amanda, Jubilee, and Rahne. "You've come to me in order to solve a problem. And I plan on solving that problem, with extreme prejudice…." Kitty said as she faced the other girls. She was wearing military fatigues and a beret. She was chewing on a piece of hay as she walked up to Rahne. "But first I need to break you all. Now where are you from girl?"  
  
"Sc-Sc-Scotland Ma'am!" Rahne stuttered in fear.  
  
"Holy Christ!" Kitty spat in Rahne's face. "Only two things come from Scotland! Drunks and punks! And you don't look like no friggin' punk!" Kitty shouted as Rahne wet herself. Kitty then turned to face Amanda. "How tall are you girl?"  
  
"Five, seven Ma'am!" Amanda shouted.  
  
"Great JC Penny! I didn't know they could stack piles of puke that high!" Kitty screamed as Amanda looked scared. Kitty then moved on to Jubilee. "What's your name?"  
  
"Kitty, you know my…"  
  
"WHAT'S YOUR NAME!?!"  
  
"Jubilee Ma'am!"  
  
"That won't do…" Kitty said as she got into Jubilee's face. "From now on your name is twinkle toes! Do you like that name twinkle toes?"  
  
"Yes Ma'am." Jubilee shouted in fear.  
  
"Damn. Then I'll have to find one you don't like." Kitty said to herself out loud. "Okay. You will now be known as Dirty Betty! Do you like that name Dirty Betty?"  
  
"No Ma'am…" Jubilee muttered.  
  
"Good! Now if Dirty Betty here is done with her whining, I can move on with the lesson!" Kitty shouted as she retook her position in front of the girls. "You all want to learn how to shop. I will teach you thirty-seven ways to take down other women in order for you to get what you want during the big sales…" Kitty shouted. "The next two weeks of your life will be pure and utter hell. I will make you wish you were never born, and then I'll make you wish you were dead. And I'm going to enjoy every moment of it…" Kitty said with a sadistic smile. "Welcome to Kitty Prydes School of Hard Shopping, may whatever God you worship have mercy on your soul…"  
  
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"Lesson One!" Kitty shouted. "How to acquire proper transportation to the War-Zone."  
  
"War-Zone?" Amara asked.  
  
"The Mall!" Kitty shouted in Amara's face.  
  
"Oh." Amara said simply.  
  
"Always, ALWAYS rely on a male to provide adequate transport. Especially if that Male happens to be your boyfriend." Kitty said as she took out her cell phone and dialed a number. "Hey Lance?" Kitty asked in her regular tone. "It's like, Kitty… I'm fine… Hey can you give me and some friend's a ride to the mall…. I'll…" Kitty said before she whispered something into the phone. "Lance?" Kitty asked as the sound of Screeching tires were suddenly heard in the front of the Institute.  
  
"Damn that was fast…" Amanda said as she lifted up the drapes to see Lance's jeep sitting in the driveway and him with a huge smile as he adjusted his hair. "What did you say to him?"  
  
"Lesson Two." Kitty said with a smile. "Any man can be your slave. You just have to give the right incentive." Kitty said with a smile, as she then walked outside with the girls.  
  
"Where to ladies?" Lance asked as Kitty hopped into the passenger side and the others piled into the back.  
  
"The mall my man." Kitty said as Lance blushed and drove them to the mall.  
  
"Now the real battle begins…" Kitty said to the others who looked at each other in fear.  
  
"My god, what have we unleashed…" Rahne asked in horror.  
  
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There you all go. I hope you liked it. Up Next, Kitty takes the recruits into the shoe department. Watch and learn how a pump can be used to crush a girl's larynx.  
  
Until next time true believers,  
  
Descendent 


	2. Toy department pain

Kitty Prydes School of Hard Shopping  
  
I own nothing but the idea.  
  
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Bayville Mall  
  
"HI-YA!" Kitty shouted as she used a shoe to render another Valley girl unconscious.  
  
"Ow." Amanda said as the girl slumped to the ground.  
  
"Wow. I never knew Pryde had it in her." Tabitha said simply. "No wonder Lance has the hots for her."  
  
"That is how a flat top can be used as a flap jack." Kitty said as she stepped over the unconscious girl. "Up next, how to use a heal to gouge another persons eyes out."  
  
"Um… Why are you so violent?" Amanda asked as Kitty grabbed another girl and tossed her through the window and down into the second level. The girl landed with a sickening thump as Wanda walked by. Wanda stopped, stared at the mangled girl, let out a whistle and gave Kitty a standing ovation. Wanda then walked away humming to herself.  
  
"Simple. Violence gets you what you want. It's the American way dammit." Kitty swore as Pietro and the Brotherhood ran by wielding nets and baseball bats. They were all wearing protective padding and helmets.  
  
"She came this way!" Toad shouted from underneath the football helmet he was wearing.  
  
"Get her!" Pietro shouted as the Brotherhood ran off in the direction Wanda had walked off in.  
  
"This isn't going to work…" Jubilee said as she walked away.  
  
"HOLD IT DIRTY BETTY!" Kitty shouted as she walked over to the now frozen stiff Jubilee. "What was that you said?"  
  
"Look, I just think that your program doesn't work." Jubilee said.  
  
"Really. You remember how much of a wimp Jean was when it came to shopping, correct?" Kitty asked.  
  
"Yea." All the girls said at once.  
  
"Well look at her now." Kitty said as the girls turned to see Jean shooting an AK-47 at other women, mowing them down. Jean was laughing manically as she then grabbed a purse and held it in the air in triumph.  
  
"That is wrong in so many ways…" Amara muttered as Rahne wet herself again. Meanwhile Jean was putting other girls heads on Pike and dancing around in their blood.  
  
"Hmmm…" Kitty mused. "I didn't teach her that one." Kitty muttered as Jean said a prayer of thanks to the unholy one himself: Rob Reiner.  
  
"This is getting out of hand…" Rahne said as she turned to walk away. Kitty kicked her hard in the spine though, knocking her down.  
  
"So who wants to be next?" Kitty asked with a demonic smile.  
  
"Eep." All the girls said at once.  
  
"I thought so!" Kitty said as she chewed on a toothpick. "Let's move on to the toy department…" Kitty said as the Brotherhood ran by on fire screaming, Wanda chasing after them.  
  
"It burns!" Blob yelled as he dove into the water fountain.  
  
THE TOY DEPARTMENT  
  
"HI-YA!" Rahne shouted as she cold-clocked a twelve-year-old kid with the back of her hand.  
  
"That's how it's done." Kitty said as she stepped over the unconscious body of the kid and clapped. "You wimps could learn a lesson from Wolf girl here." Kitty said as Rahne shifted into wolf form and then began to maul another women who grabbed the present she was after.  
  
"I think I'm going to be sick…" Jubilee muttered as she turned an odd green color.  
  
"Me to." Amanda added. Meanwhile Amara was taking notes as Tabitha went off to blow up various things.  
  
"Now we move onward into the Jungle!" Kitty shouted as she marched forward. Until a Nerf dart promptly hit her. She turned around slowly to see Jubilee smiling at her sheepishly, holding the Nerf gun.  
  
"Um, It seemed like a good idea at the time…" Jubilee said simply as Kitty marched toward her.  
  
"Ouch." Tabitha muttered as Kitty began to unload on Jubilee.  
  
"That's going to bruise…" Amanda said.  
  
"That has got to hurt…" Amara muttered.  
  
"Ew, she ain't pretty no more…" Rahne muttered.  
  
"Anyone else want some?" Kitty asked menacingly. The sounds of Crickets could be heard. "Good. Now follow me you wimps…" Kitty said as she stormed forward, a toothless Jubilee following her dazedly.  
  
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Well I hope you all had fun. Up next, The clothing department and more insanity.  
  
Later,  
  
Descendent 


	3. Clothing Store Pain

Kitty's School of Hard Shopping: Clothing Department Pain

Time to rehash an original, based on some of my own black Friday dealings…

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Bayville Mall, Gap

"Now listen here MAGGOTS!" Kitty roared as she stood in front of the gap. Jubilee, Amanda, Rahne and Amara all looked around in fear as the petite brunette in military fatigues paced in front of them. "We are about to entire the most dreaded place in the war-zone… If you think American Eagle or Old Navy are bad, then you haven't the stones to handle the pain that you will face in this hell-hole of a store. There are sales. There are items that would make great gifts for our loved ones… We shall claim them and destroy any who stand in our way. ARE YOU READY!" Kitty screamed as the girls, spit flying into their faces as they stood in rigid attention.

"Yes…" They all said meekly.

"Louder! And say it with feeling!" Kitty demanded.

"Yes!" the girls all shouted.

"I can't hear you girls!" Kitty screamed.

"OH-RAH!" All the girls shouted.

"I still can't hear you!" Kitty demanded.

"OH-RAH!" The girls shouted louder.

"That's better scumbags." Kitty stated as she took a piece of straw out and put it in her mouth. "Dirty Betty. What is your objectives?" Kitty said as she turned towards Jubilee.

"Objectives?" Jubilee asked looking at Kitty slightly confused.

"What. Are. Your. Objectives…" Kitty hissed as she got in Jubilee's face.

"I don't know…" Jubilee began to cry.

"You make me sick… Wolf girl!" Kitty said, turning to Rahne. "What are your objectives!"

"To drive my enemies before me, and hear the lamentations of their men and children!" Rahne stated with a deranged look to her eye. "And to acquire a sky blue blouse for my mother for her birthday."

"And how will you achieve these objectives?" Kitty asked as she paced in front of the girls.

"By any means necessary ma'am…" Rahne said, the crazy look in her eye serving as a testament to the shattering of her sanity.

"Wolf Girl. I herby graduate you from Kitty Pryde's School of Hard Shopping. You have joined a proud and ancient sisterhood. You will know a fellow Kitten just by glance. You shall always come to a sister's aid, and you shall not let anything get between you and a sale. Go forth and acquire the sales that you seek. You are dismissed." Kitty stated proudly as Rahne saluted and changed into her werewolf form and ran into the Gap. The scream of pain and terror could be heard through out the mall as Rahne mauled her way to the best sales.

"Oh God…" Amara said in disgust as blood splashed on her face.

"That maggots, is what it takes to survive in this hell hole." Kitty said as she turned back to the girls. "It takes grit, sand, and a moral depravity usually reserved for the Brotherhood."

"Ew…" Wanda said as she walked out of the Gap. "There's blood everywhere…"

"There she is!" Blob shouted as he Pietro, and Todd ran up dressed like the Ghostbusters.

"Remember, don't cross the streams!" Todd shouted as he and Pietro pulled out their proton packs.

"3…2…1… toast her!" Pietro shouted as the Brotherhood all fired their guns at Wanda as she walked away. Wanda casually waved her hands and the beams ricocheted away and into the Starbucks, setting it on fire. Evan ran out covered in fire screaming. "Uh oh, told you guys we should have stayed in the private sector."

"I think I know who they're gonna call." Todd said as he pointed at the Mall security guards that were running at them. "The Cops! CHEESE IT!" Todd shouted as he hopped away, Fred and Pietro following in tow.

"Why do I always get set of fire in these fics!" Evan cried as he ran around in pain.

"Anyone else disturbed by this as much as me?" Amara asked in a slight horror. The other girls all raised their hands.

"Alright Girls, lets go to war… "Kitty said as she walked into the Gap, stepping over a pile of blood that had formed on the ground.

"IT HURTS!" Evan screamed as he ran around on fire as the girls all quickly followed Kitty into the store.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Inside the Gap

"I love the smell of Napalm and pink cherry lip gloss in the morning…" kitty said as she walked through the Gap, causally throwing a hand grenade down and isle. The explosion rocked the store as several items of clothing floated down from the explosion. "Oh… White!" Kitty said as she held the sweater which was miraculously not damaged. "And it's on sale!" She squealed with delight.

"Hey I wanted that!" The girls turned to see Mystique in her Principle Darkholme disguise. She stormed over and grabbed the sweater in Kitty's hands.

"Oh uh…" Amanda stated as she saw the murderous glint in both girls eyes.

"I'm sorry, this sweater doesn't go with your bitch attitude." Kitty responded.

"Really, because I'm pretty sure this doesn't have air headed valley girl anywhere on it."

"Sorry, white isn't for blue whores."

"Actually white isn't for ditzy whores who don't even know how to please a man."

"If you want the sweater so bad then have it with some hot lead!" Kitty shouted as she pulled out a machine gun and unloaded on the former leader of the Brotherhood.

"Please, I've been shopping since before you were born sister, you think I didn't come prepared!" Mystique shouted as she pulled out a Bazooka and aimed it at the petite girl and unloaded an anti-materiel round at her.

"Hah! Way to old Mystique!" kitty shouted as she phased through the missile, which continued to fly towards the other girls.

"Oh poo…" Amanda said as the missile flew at them.

"I wish I could say I've lived a full life, but I haven't." Jubilee added.

"I always new Kitty would be the death of us." Amara added. Right before the missile collided into the floor in front of them. They all stood there, covered with soot and slightly burned and frazzled. "Hey Jubilee."

"Yea 'Mara…"

"I don't wanna shop anymore…" Amara said as she passed out.

"That all you got!" Kitty shouted as she continued to duck and return fire with the blue skinned mercenary, ignoring the loud explosion that shook the store.

"I got plenty Ditz!" Mystique shouted as she threw a couple grenades at Kitty.

"She's nuts…" Amanda said as she helped Amara up with Jubilee. Kitty then walked over, a look of triumph on her face, white sweater still in hand.

"Did you win?" Jubilee asked.

"I don't wanna go to school mommy…" Amara said in a funny voice.

"Yep, there are her teeth!" kitty said with a smile as she opened her hand to reveal a fistful of teeth.

"Ew…" Amanda and Jubilee said at the same time.

"Wait, this is a size nine… way to big for me." Kitty said as she looked at the sweater. She crumpled it up and threw it into the crater on the ground that had a blue arm sticking out from it. "Alright Maggots, time for Chow." Kitty said with a smile.

"Were not done yet?" Amanda gasped.

"Far from it. It's only eleven in the morning." Kitty said with a sadistic smile.

"Crud…" the girls all said at once.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Next time, Kitty shows the girls how to survive the food courts.

Peace out ya'll,

Descendent


End file.
